The Grief and the Good in Gold
by Legitly Spelunking
Summary: After living and training together for many months, it was no secret that Victor and Yuuri were close. What did remain a secret, however, was Victor's pastーspecifically his family life. Now Yuuri finds out why.


**Summary:** After living and training together for many months, it was no secret that Victor and Yuuri were close. What did remain a secret, however, was Victor's pastーspecifically his family life. Now Yuuri finds out why.

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 **Notes:**

So this is a bit of a darker/more angsty version of a story I posted entitled "I Love the Real You", and while this did _use_ to be the original, I've changed it _far_ too much since then to call it that. The general premise is the same: Victor has a bad dream and Yuuri comforts him, but the main difference is that in this fic we get a look into Victor's childhood which **contains mentions of physical abuse**. Descriptions aren't too graphic, but regardless, here is a **trigger warning** to be safe.

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Ocean eyes shot open with a gasp in the dead of night and the sound of Victor's accelerated breathing and his own pulse resounded in his ears, the only sounds heard in the otherwise quiet room. His widened eyes met the ceiling and he stared at it for a moment in a panic before recognizing it as his own. Observing the familiar plain white pattern, he began to regain his bearings as he remembered where he was. His heart still pounded painfully in his chest, though it was slowing down now that the terror he witnessed had vanished. He closed his eyes and brought a hand up to cover his face before running it through silver strands which he noticed were a bit damp. He exhaled deeply in a futile attempt to dispel the remnants of the nightmare from his mind as he let the hand flop onto the bed.

"Victor?" a sleepy voice beside him questioned.

Victor winced, feeling guilty at having woken his fiance, his sleeping beauty. "It's nothing, Yuuri. Go back to sleep," he told him, "Just a bad dream." He added the last party quietly, directed more towards himself than Yuuri, but he still heard.

"You alright? I'll be here to listen if you want to talk about it," he offered as he turned to face him.

Victor hesitated, refusing to look at Yuuri. He knew the second he met those deep brown eyes he was sure to lose his composure, so he avoided them. As much as he wanted to drown in the comfort of his tender gaze, he didn't want to burden Yuuri. He didn't need to know.

"Victor?" he asked again and Victor's heart ached. There was painful concern in Yuuri's voice, such a stark contrast to the cruel illusion he had experienced just moments ago. At the memory, Victor found himself shiver despite the warmth he felt underneath the blanket. Yuuri moved closer and wrapped his arms around the older man, immediately dissipating some of the distress he felt. "It's alright if you don't want to talk about it," Yuuri consoled him. "But just know that I'll be right here to comfort you. Just like you always are for me."

"You're too good for me, Yuuri," Victor whispered woefully, the words slipping out before he could stop them.

"Where's this coming from, all of a sudden?" Yuuri murmured as he stroked his hair. He was too worried to be properly offended by Victor's statement and his worry was further piqued as he nuzzled even closer to Yuuri, causing him to let out a fond breath halfway between a gasp and a laugh, though it held no offense. "Whatever you saw, it was just a dream. It wasn't real," he soothed. " _This_ is real. _I'm_ real. I'm here, I love you, and I'm never going to leave you."

Those seemed to be the right words because Victor went rigid against him. The Japanese man had never seen his fiance like this before. Whatever he had dreamt about must have been really bad.

"Everyone leaves me. You're all I have left, so it's only natural that one day…" Victor mumbled vaguely, then trailed off regretting his words yet again. Even if this wasn't about Yuuri personally, it was hurting him to not know what was wrong right now, and his anxiety would surely cause him to hurt over it in the future. Victor pulled away from Yuuri's embrace enough to finally look at his face. As he had assumed, every feature was creased with concern and he felt guilty for being the source of such heavy emotion on such a fragile frame. But when piercing blue met deep brown, the pure softness of those orbs, the beauty which only Victor got to experience the true depths of, he felt the guilt interchange with determination. Yuuri had a right to know, he resolved as he sat up. As Yuuri's fiance, as someone who loved and cared about him more than anyone else, Victor shouldn't hide secrets from him.

"You have a right to know," he said out loud. "It's time I told you; about my family." Yuuri sat up as well, intrigued. He nodded and gave a gentle, "Okay," in reply.

The two had grown very close through the months they lived together in both Japan and Russia, but despite this, Victor had yet to tell Yuuri about his past. The younger undoubtedly knew endless tidbits about his sporting career through his many online readings as a fan, but information on the gold medalist's private life, specifically his family, was kept hidden from the media and not so easily encounteredーand with good reason. Yuuri had tried asking him about his family once in Hasetsu, but Victor dismissed the question with a lukewarm response and eyes that shone with sorrow. Yuuri looked dismayed, though whether at his expression or his answer Victor didn't know because he quickly plastered on his heart-shaped smile and changed the subject. Yuuri hadn't brought it up since, likely picking up on the fact that it was a sensitive topic and opting to wait until Victor opened up about it rather than forcing the issue, for which he was grateful.

Victor moved so he sat with his back against the headboard of the bed and Yuuri followed, sitting next to him and placing a gentle hand over Victor's.

"My mother died of an illness when I was fairly young, about 5 years old," he started. "I don't remember much about her, but I remember she was very kind and loving. It hurt that she was gone, and I had no other siblings either so I felt pretty lonely. I found skating shortly after. I really enjoyed it and many people said I had a natural talent. I was signed up for lessons after I begged and pleaded to my father and he eventually gave in." He went silent for a moment, eyes downcast. Yuuri continued to rub his thumb over his hand, silently encouraging Victor to continue when he was ready.

"My father...wasn't supportive. Of skating. Thought it was unmanly. He only let me do it because myself and so many others had pressured him, and it kept me out of the house so he wouldn't have to deal with me. The feeling was mutual; if I was skating, I didn't have to deal with him either," he said darkly. "He never came to my practices and constantly complained about the cost, even though we had more than enough money to pay for it." He took a deep breath, that sorrowful look back in his eyes. "And then, a couple years later, everything changed when I got my first gold medal." He kept his gaze focused on Yuuri's hand over his own, and even in the darkness was able to make out the shine of their matching rings. It brought him comfort, prompting him to continue.

"It was a small competition. Nothing even remotely close to Nationals or anything. Just a local event. All of the hard work and effort I put into practice over the years had finally paid off and I was proud. I was sure my mother would have felt the same way," he lamented with a pained smile. "My father, as you can guess, did not." He paused briefly, steeling himself. "Whether it was to help cope with my mother's death or with me, I'll never really know, but he had started drinking excessively. When I came home that day, my father was passed out on the couch, bottles everywhere. I decided not to bother him but he woke up anyway, drunk and angry.

"What should have been a cause for celebration ended up being the opposite instead. He stormed over to me and yanked the medal from my neck, enraged that I had started making a name for myself in such an unmanly profession. What would people think of him when his son was off winning medals in a girls' sport? They'd think he was a failure of a father. He lost control, and he hit me." He delivered the words plainly with no emotion attached to them and Yuuri was stunned at the revelation. He remained silent to be respectful, but in reality he had no idea what to say. He watched as Victor brought his knees close to his chest and loosely wrapped his arms around them. Choosing action over words, Yuuri brought an arm around the silver-haired man who leaned into the embrace. Victor swallowed, let out a shaky sigh and spoke again.

"It was the first time, but not the last. Any injury from him could be easily covered with the lie that it was from skating. It went on for a long time, longer than I should have let it, until one night enough was enough and I decided to leave home. I packed all of my stuff and left in the middle of the night and stayed with my coach, which at the time was Yakov. I told him everything. He took me in without hesitation, payed for my skating and later even bought me a dogーMakkachinーwhich helped tremendously. I haven't talked to my father since the day I left." He was silent again and Yuuri felt him take in a deep breath against him.

"That was many years ago. It's been a long time, but it still hurts to think about, though I try not to. I have a successful career, with an uncountable number of gold medals, but none of it even comes close to the worth of the gold on my finger. I love you, Yuuri. I don't want the good we have together to be spoiled by bad memories, so I try my best to keep them at bay. Although it's not so easy to do when you're asleep," he admitted downcast. "In my dream, I...relived...some of that, and it hurt. But then it was okay, because the next thing I knew, we were together in St. Petersburg and you were right next to me, laughing and smiling." His voice suddenly dropped to a fragile whisper.

"But then you were gone. You suddenly had a suitcase, and you were walking out the door, and all I could see was your back...The words you said to me...and I couldn't say anything backーno matter how hard I tried...and you took off the ring…" He broke off and Yuuri guided Victor's head to rest against his shoulder and embraced him while gently shushing him. Victor clung tightly to him and was vaguely aware of the tears streaming down his face. He breathed a hitched sob, unsure if it was at the pain of the memory or gratitude of Yuuri's actions.

"Shh. It's okay. I'm right here," he soothed and continued to hold him.

Victor's body shook as more tears continued to flow. Even if it was just a dream, the thought of being separated from Yuuri was excruciating. It ached more than any injury from skating, hurt worse than any of the many blows delivered by the monster that had the audacity to call himself Victor's father. Was this how Yuuri had felt before? Worried that Victor would one day just up and leave? It was so painful. To have something right in front of you, something so beautiful, and to let yourself believeーeven for a momentーthat it might not be real. But it _was_ real. _This_ was real. Yuuri was here. Yuuri loved him. He had sworn that to him. He had sworn he would never leave.

They stayed like that for a long while before Victor's sobs slowly ebbed and eventually stopped. When he pulled away, his eyes were red and so was his nose, and he sniffled before he addressed Yuuri rather sheepishly. "Thank you. For listening. And for comforting me. I'm not usually like this. I'm sorry."

"No, don't apologize." Yuuri chided him. "Letting out your emotions is good. God knows I've done it in front of you enough times." Victor managed a short laugh at this, the feeling light and airy in his chest which he welcomed.

Yuuri reached out to wipe the remnants of Victor's tears away. "Thank you for telling me. It really means a lot. I know that it still hurts, but I'll always be here for you. That's a promise." Yuuri took Victor's hand in his own and placed a gentle kiss upon the ring, then moved to press one to his lips, slow and affectionate. They broke apart and Yuuri offered a soft smile which Victor returned.

"Come on. Let's go back to sleep," Yuuri offered and Victor hummed in agreement. He was exhausted. They snuggled up under the covers and Victor let his head rest on Yuuri's chest. A sense of absolute comfort washed over him as he felt the steady beat of Yuuri's heart and the rise and fall of his chest and with that, Victor peacefully drifted off to sleep.

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 **Notes:**

I called this "speculation" but in reality I'm not sure what Victor's past or family would be like. I hope we get to see in season 2! I just wrote this because I'm an angst-loving bean. Sorry if this was super out of character/cringey, and thanks for reading even if it was.

I'll upload something more happy next time, I promise! Please leave a review and let me know if you liked it!


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